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This article is a transcript of the Greatest Freakout Ever episode "Greatest freakout ever 16" from season, which posted on September 10, 2011.


  • Jack: Okay, Stephen's been taking culinary classes in school and he thinks he's a chef, now. So, I'm gonna mess him while he's cooking his dinner.
  • (Jack goes to the kitchen. Stephen cuts the onions on the cutting board.)
  • Jack: Hey, Chef Stephen.
  • Stephen: What?
  • Jack: What are you makin' there?
  • Stephen: What does it matter to you?
  • Jack: Huh, I'm just wonderin' what I'm gonna be eating for dinner.
  • Stephen: Uhhh, like I'm gonna give you any, douchebag.
  • (Stephen puts the knife down and he walks to the counter where the cooking book is. He flips the page.)
  • Jack: Is it really nesessary to wear that uh…. whole little outfit there?
  • Stephen: Well, it's not like I'm like making cereal or toast or something you would make. I'm making manicotti with cream chicken and artichokes.
  • Jack: What's-- Wait, what? What is it?
  • Stephen: Manicotti with cream chicken and artichokes.
  • Jack: One more time.
  • Stephen: You're freakin' retarded. I'm not repeating myself.
  • Jack: What is that?
  • Stephen: GO AWAY!! IT'S MANICOTTI WITH CREAM CHICKEN AND ARTICHOKES!! Which one of those words don't you understand?!
  • Jack: Well, What are you making in here? Wh--
  • Stephen: Why do you video tape all the time? Why do-- Wait, what am I what?
  • Jack: What are you making right here?
  • Stephen: It's all the same crap, Jack.
  • Jack: Okay.
  • Stephen: Okay? I'm making dinner and dessert and you're not getting either cause you're a douche.
  • Jack: What's for dessert?
  • Stephen: Lemon poppyseed pound cake with huckleberry marmalade.
  • Jack: Uh, I--
  • Stephen: Are you gonna make me repeat myself 10 times again?
  • Jack: I was just wondering, you know?
  • Stephen: Well, you're really annoying.
  • Jack: Okay.
  • Stephen: Okay.
  • (Stephen reading his cook book.)
  • Jack: What are you doing over there?
  • Stephen: I'm getting the proper measurements. See, you make toast, I make art. I am smart, you're retarded. Why do you video tape me? Stop video taping me. (goes to Jack and gently pushes him away and goes to cutting the onions.) Jesus freakin' Christ. (cutting the onions, grabs the onions and looks at the camera.) What?
  • Jack: What? I'm just watching you cook.
  • Stephen: I mean, you act like you've never seen someone like chop onions before. Uh, it's probably advanced for someone who's not a culinary genius.
  • (Stephen adds the chopped onions to the pan and stirs it. Jack looks at the onions fried on the pan, the camera goes to Stephen and Stephen looks at the camera.)
  • Stephen: Can you like get it out of my face for 5 seconds or something?
  • Jack: I just wanna watch you cook, Stephen. You only have like 5 onions in there. 5 little pieces of onion.
  • Stephen: I'm not freakin' retarded! I'm slowly adding 'em! Get out of the kitchen! Get out of the kitchen!
  • (Stephen makes Jack back up by walking fast.)
  • Jack: Hold on!
  • Stephen: Get out of the kitchen!
  • (Stephen pushes Jack.)
  • Jack: Oh my-- Oh my god! Okay!
  • Stephen: Get out of the kitchen!
  • Jack: I just wanna watch you--was that really necessary?
  • (Stephen throws a spoon at Jack.)
  • Stephen: I'm just telling you to get out of the kitchen.
  • (Stephen grabs the spatula and stirs the onions.)
  • Stephen: I'm minding my own business and you're being annoying.
  • Jack: Okay. (Looks at three grilled chicken paddies on the plate.) What kind of chicken was this, Stephen? (grabs the plate)
  • Stephen: (slaps Jacks's hand) STOP... TOUCHING... MY... CRAP!! I COOKED IT, STOP TOUCHING IT!!
  • Jack: All right. Here.
  • Stephen: NO!!
  • Jack: I just wanna see what it is.
  • Stephen: (tries to go after him) STOP TOUCHING IT!!
  • Jack: All right, I won't touch it.
  • Stephen: I mean it!
  • Jack: I just want to see what it is. (Stephen hits Jack with an egg.) OWWW! My god! You just hit me with an egg?
  • (Stephen hits Jack with an egg again and Jack turns off the camera.)

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