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This article is a transcript of the Greatest Freakout Ever episode "Greatest freakout ever 31" from season, which posted on March 6, 2015.


  • Jack: Okay, so, for the past month or so, Stephen has been taking random things from around the house, and going to a swap meet where he trades them for other random things...
  • Stephen: You better be coming out here to help. Otherwise, I'll need the vacuum. To be honest.
  • Jack: So, we're kind of catching him in the act here, loading up a step-up van.
  • Stephen: DUDE, that's freakin' harassment, man. THE FREAKIN' LICENSE PLATE!
  • Jack: I don't even see a license plate.
  • Stephen: Get that out of here, man. I'm not playing with you.
  • Jack: Are you going to the swap meet again?
  • Stephen: Dude, stop, yeah, no duh! I'm actually, I, unlike, you are actually work, I'm bartering. It's called bartering.
  • Jack: Is this a gun?
  • Stephen: DUDE, STOP PUTTING IT YOUR HANDS ON IT, MAN, THAT'S NOT YOURS!
  • Jack: It's not yours, it's Dad's.
  • Stephen: Yeah, it's not... it's Dad's, it's not yours. Exactly.
  • Jack: And those are Mom's drums.
  • Stephen: Yeah, AND THEY'RE GONNA TWICE AS MUCH MONEY!
  • Jack: And my unicycle.
  • Stephen: TWICE AS MUCH MONEY, for every...
  • Jack: Nope. You're not gonna get twice as much money.
  • Stephen: Yeah, if you can barter or you can do it.
  • Jack: You can't just sell your family s*** like that.
  • Stephen: Oh, wow. I'm on my way to the swap meet.
  • Jack: Wait, those are my shoes!
  • Stephen: Oh, my god. Dude, I'm telling you, man. Um... uh... re-really get your video taping me, you're gonna put it on the Internet for all the friends and the last man that ever was.
  • Jack: What?!
  • Stephen: Just get out of here with that.
  • Jack: I'm video taping you because you're selling your family's...
  • Stephen: Just get out of here with that.
  • Jack: Your family's items.
  • Stephen: Yeah. Because we all have parents who can pay for our college. We have to get jobs.
  • Jack: What?! We have the same, we have the exact same parents, what are you talking about?
  • Stephen: In my college, I have a job. It's called, that's how adults make money.
  • Jack: Yeah, that was your choice.
  • Stephen: Yeah, that's how adults make money.
  • Jack: Your choice.
  • Stephen: Uh-huh.
  • Jack: And I keep, what is this that I keep seeing over here?
  • Stephen: DUDE! Stop! OKAY, NOW THAT'S MINE! That's mine.
  • Jack: What is that?
  • Stephen: You're taking something that's just mine.
  • Jack: Is that apple cider or what?
  • Stephen: Dude, you're just trying to impress your Internet friends. We all know what you're doing. God, you're so fake. You're such a phony. Seriously, man.
  • Jack: Look. I have one of your precious units, Stephen.
  • Stephen: Oh, my god. Dude, you're just gonna end up, I'm just gonna embarrass you. Do you want me to embarrass you in front of your little Internet friends?
  • Jack: No, that's what I did it to you, Stephen. You have to get the shoe now. And you also... have to go get your key.
  • Stephen: Get out of the van, dude!
  • Jack: Look, Stephen! I have your precious van keys!
  • Stephen: Oh, my god! Don't touch this! (throws shoe)
  • Jack: Oh, my... You just threw that at your van! Now look what I'm gonna throw! (pretends to throw the van key)
  • Stephen: Oh, ok. Yeah, why are you running, then?
  • Jack: Now we lock him out, for good. And... we watch the squirrel store his, his nuts for the winter. What a beautiful documentation. Oh, you're getting out of the frame, squirrel boy. Wonder if he found them. (Stephen runs like a ponce in snow and Jack laughs at him)

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